Life's Journey

It has been a while since I posted mainly due to a number of life changing experiences over the last 6 months or so. But also because I didn't feel like writing and baring my soul and thoughts which was a new feeling for me. Now I understand what they mean about writers block as if you just not in the write space, then you have to leave it until you are. Now I am ready to share my experiences and learnings over the last few months.

Making choices in our lives can be challenging especially if you don't go with your intuition,  you make the choice out of negative emotion or you just don't really think things through. Well I am guilty of all of these when it came to parents. I love my parents as they have given me so much to help me in the world. My relationship with my mother has never been close as every since I can remember I believed I was adopted. My father died when I was 2 years of age and I was definitely my fathers daughter so even at this tender age it unconsciously affected me that he was no longer there. However this was short lived as my step Dad replaced this role within a couple of years. And he was just an incredible angel for me. I felt loved and supported and bonded as I had never felt this with my mother. My childhood until I was 18 was a serious of typically family issues of ups and downs. For the most part I had a privileged up bringing with both parents and a comfortable home and good education. My main challenge was my relationship with my mother and unfortunately still remains to be to this day. Anyway we all have our stories and really that is not what I wanted to share so much as the impact my Dad's recent passing has had on my life and our family.

My Dad was a very gentle, caring, thoughtful, loving and easy going man. It would not be unfair to say that my mother though wore the pants in the house. So for most of my life my Dad has always been the one I went to for love and support. So when my mother mentioned 6 years ago, that they wanted to move from South Africa, I opened myself up to the possibility of them moving to the UK. My Dad is from England, even though he has been in Africa for over 50 years. Now I know my Dad was not keen to come back to the cold weather and completely different lifestyle as he really loved South Africa and all his friends were there too. As his age, 75, Dad had already had some major health scares and his challenges with his spine and back were increasing, so I understand from a medical point of view, the UK was a better option. Additionally where they were living was becoming more dangerous by the day. So this is when I made my first decision without really thinking it through. I agreed after some "manipulation" and from a sense of guilt, to have my parents move in with me. Dad was never going to be a problem but well my mother, any daughter can understand that challenge. Not only that I was married at the time. I really didn't take my husbands concerns into serious consideration and I was soon to pay for that lack of judgement.

So five years on, divorced and alone with my Dad for the last two years, things were ok and easy going. My Mum had decided she needed to find them a place as with the challenges of my divorce and problems my Mum and I were having, I needed her out of the house. My Dad wanted to remain with me where I looked after him most of the time, but also understood I needed my own time so this year he would spend the weekend with my Mum which for the most part gave his a bit of variety. His physical condition was getting worse throughout the year and we were very nervous for him because of the potential of a bad fall. And that is exactly what happened in the late morning in August. He had a critical fall and broke his neck. It was a terrible shock for all of us including my Dad of course.

We were at the time unaware of how serious the fall was as the doctors confirmed he was paralysed from his shoulders down. God I was devastated as even though he was wobbly on his feet he was still able to moved about on his crutches and now being totally unable to move his arms or legs, I knew would have been horrendous for him. It was then I realised my life was about to change. Understanding the degree of damage to his spine it dawned on me that in fact he could die from his condition. Soon thereafter the specialists in hospital confirmed it was unlikely he would make it through the next few days. Wow what a blow and suddenly my life was changed in that instant. I know my Dad would prefer to go instead of remaining in a body that didn't work. But what shock! This wonderful and gorgeous man was dying right before my eyes.

My journey over my life has always been linked in some way to the spiritual world. Was always interested in the imaginary people around me ever since I was small, a keen interest in fairies, angels, ghosts and anything mythical or magical. I have known I had a guardian angel by my side for almost all my life. So when two years ago I started this personal transformational journey, it felt like the perfect thing to be doing. I hadn't realised the impact it had really had on me until my father had his accident. Even though I wanted him to ok and alive, it was my inner sense, a voice that said it would be ok if he carried on with his own journey. That is when I found peace that no matter what happened it would be the right thing for him. He didn't want to go into a home, he felt life was leaving his body though his mind was so active and alive. I know it frustrated him but he never complained. Within 4 days my Dad passed. The incredible thing is he hang on until my sister who lives in New Zealand arrived. She had about 20 min with him and then he was gone. Even as I write these words my heart hurts and tears role down my face and I am at peace. I miss seeing him every morning in his bed looking out into the garden where I brought his tea and biscuits. The evening spent drinking wine and reminiscing and really just the wonderful time I had to get to know him not just as my Dad but as a man. He is with me always with little signs where ever I look. I have the privilege of knowing some great mediums and have had solace in knowing he is doing really well and is supporting me with all his love. I am truly privileged to have known such a great man, a wonderful husband, an beautiful father and a darling friend.

I know that the choice I made to have my parents come and live with me was in fact the greatest decision I had ever made as it gave me the last 5 precious of my Dad's life. For that I am truly grateful and honoured!

It is now time to move forward with my life and I thank the universe, divine source for giving me 40 years with someone so wonderful who I have learnt so much from. May your memory life on forever Dad and know I love you with all my heart x